Monday, July 10, 2006

hallo.

feel like just blasting music and stoning here for the rest of the night. world cup and the work load already screwed my sleeping time anyway.

oh wells. its me and the smile all the time. maybe i smile less nowadays. i really wouldnt know. sometimes i wish i could just find someone and cry till my eyes went dry. just alot of mixed feelings inside me.

hiaz. today i got my results den i was being a brat in class. not to the guys around me la but to God, the thoughts in my mind were quite horrible la. was actually blaming Him for my problems. i dunno la. sometimes got that, its not fair feeling. oh wells. some people just sail through life, den here i m struggling, try to do things for the Lord that i dun even know if He wanted to me to do in the first place. its like. i just really wanna go deeper lo. but i feel so stuck at where i m. den i was thinking. its so unfair. i shall just use this illustration. i feel like a soccer player who had spent an entire soccer match trying to score a go but no matter how hard he tried, the keeper saved, if not the ball would hit the frigging crossbar. den here come along someone else hu got sent on the field for 5 mins, the ball hits that persons bum and goes into the goal. yup. u know wad i mean. its so tiring. sometimes i just ask myself, if QT is gonna be the same, if cell and service is gonna be the same. if i m never ever gonna be able to breakthrough. den wads the point.

caught in between another world. on way home. got off at tiong. for once in like 3 rides, i didnt miss my stop. thank goodness. anyway, i dunno whether it was another piece of thought conjured up from my mind. but i was like sort of having a self discussion in my head. i was like thinking 'nicholas tan, have u ever climbed a mountain?' den i answered myself 'no shit, of cos i havent!' den i was thinking, its fact la, that everytime someone climbs a mountain, as he or she gets closer and closer to the summit, the air gets thinner, the weather gets colder. den i was like thinking, as u reach the peak, or get closer to the breakthrough, its like scaling the mountain, conditions will just get tougher, the devil will start throwing more nonsense at u. but how come some people can still make it up to the top. cus they persevere and cus they are so focus. they know beyond all that is their breakthrough.

sigh. but easier said than done.

but sometimes i ask myself, i look at myself, den i go. wad can the Lord ever use me for man. i cant even see any part of me that can be used. yea sure man, maybe i can be a stand up comedian, lol, my jokes arent even funny. feels quite hopeless sometimes.

its like i dunno how to depend on God, i cant find anyone else to depend on, and the only other person is off limits for now. mr tong was probably kidding last night cus he smiled when he said that, but i think 'yea, i do look lost...'

|cowpoo| 9:04 PM|

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